Denny Hastert is a man whose brain is sometimes starved for blood because his blood has 'chunked up' with meat fat and sinks into his lower legs. But he does have a big heart. About the size of a roast beef.

Rush Limbaugh is a man who's taken so many potent painkillers he's made himself deaf. He's also a man who's been detained at airports returning from countries with active 'sex tourism' with bottles of Viagra (with someone else's name on them).

In other words, some of the best men the conservatives have to offer. Men whose words should be engraved in butter and then left in the sun.

It was a notable moment when these two got together today to discuss recent events; events sometimes known as Masturgate or NAMBLApalooza:

SPEAKER HASTERT: There were two pieces of paper out there, one that we knew about and we acted on; one that happened in 2003 we didn't know about, but somebody had it, and, you know, they're trying -- and they drop it the last day of the session, you know, before we adjourn on an election year. Now, we took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it, asked him to resign. He did resign. He's gone. We asked for an investigation. We've done that. We're trying to build better protections for these page programs.

But, you know, this is a political issue in itself, too, and what we've tried to do as the Republican Party is make a better economy, protect this country against terrorism -- and we've worked at it ever since 9/11, worked with the president on it -- and there are some people that try to tear us down. We are the insulation to protect this country, and if they get to me it looks like they could affect our election as well.

So, to sum it up: It's a conspiracy by Democrats and the victims to aid the 'terrorists' and undermine the American way of life.

OK. I get that. Yeah. That's the ticket.
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